A Letter to Kingston.

5 Dec

So… The calls and messages are coming in. How am I doing, the loved ones ask? I promised I would update as Kingston’s birthday approached, but it’s hard to find words. Some moments are so beautifully normal and I am well. Other moments, I’m undone with grief and I’m grasping to stop time because I don’t find it fair that a year can pass without him here.

Many of you know that one of my greatest dreams is to write books. Lots and lots of books! I can’t tell you how much I would love for my first published book to be about Kingston and this story. I’ve been writing to Kingston since he left us. At first, just to feel like he was here. Later, to sort out my thoughts and still later, to come in front of the screen and type out the faithfulness of God. Reminding myself over and over again as I pour the emotions onto the page, that Christ is really the thread in all of this.

And so, I have shared my dream of writing and I’ve asked you to pray, and you have. Thanks for that. Tonight, however, I have something different to share.  A confession of sorts:  I’m truly terrified of this writing dream coming true.  I’m afraid of succeeding, because it means I could face rejection.  What if I write it and then no one cares, or approves, or likes?  I mean, seriously.  Who the heck is going to read this crap!?!?  That’s what I always tell the loves when they ask how the writing is going.

“Justin, come on!  No one wants to curl up with a book and a cup of coffee and then get a few intriguing paragraphs into their newly purchased book, only to cry; and not just cry, but sob uncontrollably- snot and all! No.  They won’t.  No one will ever willingly sign up to read this.  Our story is just too, too sad!!!”  Comments like these often come loudly rolling off my overly dramatic tongue as I typically fling myself on to the bed in full, theatrical despair.  It’s a good thing he thinks I’m pretty.

Then he, patiently reminds me.  And Mandi reminds me.  And Josh reminds me.  And Carey reminds me.  Our parents remind us… And even tonight, my sweet Megan reminds me.  People have already signed up, Suzie- don’t you remember?  Why can’t I see it?

I think that’s the most beautiful part of community.  At its core, when it’s authentic and real, community offers us the opportunity to invite others into our rawness.  Into the sludge of our lives and yes, some may reject; but there are always those who will see that you are worth it and wander into the thick of it, just to be there with you.  So many of you have already agreed to feel this heartbreak with us, and love this child even in his absence with us.  Again, thanks.

I’ve always felt the call to leading and loving and breathing, transparently.  In my marriage, my relationships, my ministry.  This one is tough though.  But here, goes…

In the nature of being brave, the best update I can give you on “how I’m doing” as his birthday gets another day closer is to share with you what I’ve shared with him- in all its rawness.  Written last night, at 4:00am, when sleep escaped me, here is the first “Letter to Kingston” I’m ever sharing on my blog: The Hardest Celebration

If you do have the strength to venture into the sadness, and beauty-broken with us, I would love to hear your thoughts.  Please know I whole heartedly understand if you don’t.  Sometimes, I don’t.  Either way, know that I’m thankful. My birthday is tomorrow.  His is Tuesday and God is good in all of it.

*If you still haven’t had time to watch the videos of the service where we first spoke on Kingston’s story, you can link back and do so by clicking here at any time.

I love you all,

Suz

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4 Responses to “A Letter to Kingston.”

  1. Lauren Ibbitson Mallette December 5, 2011 at 3:03 pm #

    Suzie…I was so incredibly blessed by your letter to Kingston. You have been so faithful and so transparent with yourself, your loved ones, and with Him. None of which are always easy to do…thank you for allowing me to be a part. I love you guys — and I look forward to reading your books.

    Seriously was so blessed by this…..Happy Birthday beautiful Kingston…I so look forward to meeting you soon!!

    xoxo
    Lauren

  2. Michele Ault December 6, 2011 at 5:28 am #

    I saw Josh post show up on my newsfeed and the second I did I stopped in my tracks and read your post. I think about you all the time and I’m sorry I don’t connect more. I have pictures of baby Kingston saved in a special place from the service and everytime I see them I cannot help but think about how strong the faith of his parents is. You are a living testimony of grace and an example to us all. Writing this takes so much courage and I pray through it, healing comes. You are marked special by God and that is so evident. I love your honesty and authenticity… And I’ll be following! Love you all!!! I’m gonna take time this week to click on and listen to your testimony… I was so sad I couldn’t be there…but so glad you started this blog! God Bless ❤

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Thankfulness and Missing- Remember Kingston’s 2nd Birthday « - December 6, 2012

    […] Blog from His 1st Birthday […]

  2. The Hardest Celebration – A Letter to Kingston ‹ Message Magazine - April 16, 2013

    […] For the letter in its entirety, go to HERE […]

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